A Vegan Lone Wolfs Guide to Valentines Survival Volume II.

Oh hi cuties! I couldn’t resist peaking my head out of cozy winter hibernation to ramble about the holiday we all love to hate best- VALENTINES DAY. Like seriously, I’m sorry, but FUCK that corporate mess- the email inboxes plagued with *~promotional Valentines gift ideas for bae*~, the heteronormative engagement ring radio ads, the quiet judgement of acquaintances when I say I just want to hang out and eat pizza and drink beer on Valentines. I am very happy for all of the rad folks in my life who share their lives with partners who measure up to their awesomeness, but I am currently enjoying maybe one of my favourite years of independence yet and keeping it weird. And DAMNIT, my February will be fucking fabulous. So today, I present to you Volume II of my Valentine’s Day Survival Guide.

I doubt anyone has been following along for this long, but I once attempted a little guide to misanthropes Valentines Day (and should probably actually write one for every holiday that is blown out of proportion). This one is great and I recommend following it if you are like at all a decent person and want to know some places to buy good vegan chocolate and stuff. At the time, I was working with elementary kids who were actually quite stoked on the holiday, so I had more of a “do nice things for others and practice self love” attitude. While I am still all about the self care at all times of year, I am also kind of about the grumpy misanthrope vibes and sometimes just embracing those. It will include of of the same steps, but also more sassy cursewords. I hope you will enjoy it whether you howl at the moon as a solitary badass misanthrope of the night or are an attached Valentine’s Day hater!

  1. Since many folks are taking part in excess consumerism this month, WHY NOT DO THE SAME?! Only except as true dissidents, we don’t need heart-shaped anything to show our dedication to self love. Here are a couple treats on my list that I’m considering as A++ Valentines gifts to myself.
    This beautiful sweater from Stay Home Club that celebrates being totes happy alone, ft. the beautiful art of Satoshi Kurosaki. In a cabin. Across a lake from everyone else. Surrounded by some mountains for extra solitude. Please do not sell it out before I get my grubby paws on one though because I have been waiting for it to come back into stock since like December.
    This perfect Ninja Turtles patch from the radly vegan owned  Retirement Fund. Artist behind this rad patch, Matt Gauck, describes it best, so I’m just gonna leave you with a little excerpt from the product description, “If you’re an employed christian with a penchant for going to bed early, well, this might not be for you. Ahhh who am I kidding, this is TOTALLY what you need! I mean, look how much fun he’s having?”
    There are variations of pizza necklaces all over Etsy, but I chose this one for its realistic pizza qualities. This particular seller can send you this necklace cut into 2-6 slices if you would like to get some serious FRIENDSHIP PIZZA vibezzzz going, OR you can get it as a whole pizza and keep it all to yerself. The description adorably also offers, “If you want another topping, extra cheese etc…just let me know.” FYI.

    2. Write some sassy notes on some cookies, or just make some heart shaped cookies and smash them into pieces and then shovel them into your mouth like a filthy animal. Here is a recipe for my tried and true sugar cookies if you want.  Listen to TLC while you are making them, or else. 

    Please note that following this photograph, cookies were promptly sacrificed at the altar and I ate all of them and washed them down with an Oatmeal Stout with no shame. None.


    3. Speaking of cookies, why not throw a “Galentine’s” bash of sorts so you can share them?! I believe it was Parks and Recreations stellar girlboss Leslie Knope that took the term GALENTINE’S DAY and made it kind of mainstream enough for people to build Pinterest boards surrounding it. I encourage you all to put your own spins on such a bash- maybe with an even less gender specific title…. depending on your angle, might I suggest…. PALENTINES DAY (for ur best homies), or FUCK LOVE EVERYTHING SUCKS 2K16? Eat some food. Play some drinking games. Hate everything. Whatever is your style!
    Most *~credible sources*~ have researched suggest BRUNCH which I quite frankly think sounds pretty basic. Really though, you can have any kind of party you want. I think some lovelies and I are going to be hitting the brunch for dinner train pretty hard anyways because brunch has potatoes and therefore we win. Here is our Pinterest board which mostly contains recipes and maybe some sassy quotes and a drinking game or two so far. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them!

4. Find a perfect winter adventure that you have been putting off, because the *~holiday*~ falls on a Sunday this year and there is no reason to waste it. I know for me anyways, at least half of my friends and acquaintances will be off at their dinner renovations (I love you, but GROSS, GUYS). Take the opportunity to get out for an awesome solo drive, or maybe wrangle up a pal or two who is also feeling some adventure vibes. Enjoy the fuck out of your Sunday! I am in Edmonton, and a couple little adventures I’ve had in mind lately include a drive out to Elk Island where I have not been since moving here! Adventures within the city that intrigue me are the ICE CASTLES if it is nice enough to be outside, or doing an Antique market crawl (hit me up for ideas if you actually want the low down on my fave spots, there are a few!)


Favourite adventures from Calgary include Canmore roadtrips for tea and enjoying some babely mountain views, and most recently, the drive south towards Kananaskis Country. The other day my family and I took a trip down to Longview, and got day drunk at a country bar’s open mic afternoon and listened to stellar music.  More on that later, but the possibilities are endless, even in cold, bleak, February Canada.

5. Alternately (or after your rad adventures), binge watch some of your favourite shows because things close at like 5 anyways on Sundays and you need something to do while you’re eating your favourite vegan pizza. A lot of my favourite shows are coming back to television the last week of February, so I might play catch up a bit in anticipation! If you haven’t seen any of the following, I recommend all of them:

  • Broad City (Season Premiere on February 17th)
    • Hilariously awkward+delightfully crude adventures of Abbi and Ilana in New York. Seriously destroys any other bullshit NY sitcom you watch (yes, I’m looking at you, How I Met Your Mother fans), and at times feels painfully real. They get it.Alternate bingeworthy titles in this vein to watch…
      Difficult People– More jaded New York comedians, but they’re 30-something instead of 20-something. Figures this would be another favourite of mine.

      Master of None- Yes, I’m sure we are all in love with Aziz Ansari, and stellar casting, and how his feminist sensibilities are finally growing, etc. Just do it.

  • Togetherness (Season Premiere February 21st)
    • Just your standard disfunctional and endearing comedy.Alternate bingeworthy shows in this vein to watch…
      Casual– I just finished this and it is terribly bingeworthy and I might secretly have a soft spot for Tommy Dewey’s character for some reason unbeknownst to me.
      You’re the Worst– Can I get an amennnnn for a show that finally approaches depression and mental illness in a real and thoughtful way? Despite the refreshingly serious content, is still hilarious.
  •  Catfish (Season Premiere February 24th)
    • Hoooooly shiiiiiiiit Max and Neve are the serious cutest. When these online romances don’t work out, it can be a total bummer, but also very real and you still get to see Max and Neve be adorable precious angels together and usually console the disappointed party in the most precious way. When these romances (albeit not very often) work out, you’re not even bitter or jealous because it’s such a rare treat. I have no other reality tv suggestions because this is the only show of this nature I watch and also it’s a special gem.
    • I feel like I don’t even have words for The X-Files. Have you never watched it? START. WATCH ALL 9 SEASONS ON NETFLIX IMMEDIATELY. Have you not watched them yet? By the time Valentine’s rolls around, there will have been four episodes already released, which is the perfect amount to catch up on for a lazy Sunday, then you can proceed to watch the next two and then cry when it’s all over because Season 10 is only 6 episodes.  I will more than likely just end up rewatching all the new ones because Mulder and Scully have aged so cool and well and they are just my two favourite people in the world fictional or not and of course I want them to be my Valentine.

6. I think I have provided you with enough ideas for one day, so here is some serious pizza inspo to take you through the weekend. Seriously. I just made an entire pinterest board for you dedicated to recipes that are either already vegan pizza, or easily veganized so serve as A++ inspo.

Praise SIZZLE PIE and their pizza food pyramid. ❤


Anyways, there you have it, sassafrasses. I really hope you enjoy your Valentines, or anti-Valentines, or Palentines, or whatever you decide to consider it. You now have a list of all the pizzas on earth I want to make, my favourite television shows to binge watch, the sassiest self-gifts, and other cool stuff I guess. You should also hit me up with your fave way to spend this *~special day*~ because I like to talk about this kind of stuff. Keep it weird, and be AWESOME TO EACH OTHER.

2 Comments Add yours

    1. Sarah Louise says:

      yasssssss! i sometimes feel like the retirementfund shop is stealing my braaaaainwavessss. so much good vegan/xfiles/twin peaks stuff especially.

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